I am a big fan of B-movies that glorify a hobby well beyond the point of absurdity. My all-time pinnacle of this sort of thing is OVER THE TOP. These movies are always good for a laugh. I think it's partially because it's nice to spend time with a person who wants to passionately advocate for their weird interest, and also partially because it's really fun to laugh at guys (always guys) who think that things like rollerblading or rock climbing are the most useful things on the planet Earth. So for this double feature I chose a semi-infamous cult classic made by people who were really into paint ball.
THE ZERO BOYS (1986)
Starring the always welcome Kelli Maroney (NIGHT OF THE COMET, CHOPPING MALL) and the occasionally tolerated Joe Estevez (SOULTAKER, RETURN OF THE ROLLER BLADE SEVEN), THE ZERO BOYS does for paint ball what HOOK did for treehouses and sets up some pretty unrealistic expectations for real life activities. The opening paintball match features Rambo-cosplay, a boa constrictor, inplausible acrobatics, and a villain in full Nazi uniform. Nothing could possibly live up to the first ten minutes of this movie. I found myself wishing bitterly for a full saga about the high-level competitive paintball scene; the trials and tribulations, the potentially themed teams in matching costumes, and the inevitable Karate Kid comeback. Perhaps the Zero Boys could meet up with a grizzled paintball sensei and learn how to be "one with the balls" before delivering sweet justice to their enemies. That movie could be really fun. That is not that movie.
The titular Zero Boys are a trio of chuds who take their paintball games so seriously that they have a personalized "Zero Boys" license plate on their dumb jeep. (In my personal head-canon, "Zero Boys" either refers to the amount of child support paid without a court order or the number of times they read a book for pleasure) After winning the girlfriend of their problematic rival for a weekend (seriously), they abscond to the woods for a really shitty time. They and their unfortunate lady companions are then menaced by serial killers. They must now put their paintball skills and unbreakable paintball-based brotherhood to the ultimate test of survival!
They really committed to the idea that playing cosplay paintball with nazi larpers on the weekends gave these guys an edge in this situation. It's like fantasy wish fulfillment for 80s frat boys who also had subscriptions to Soldier of Fortune magazine. You get a lot of sequences of these dudes running around from place to place like middle schoolers playing HEAT. I was also deeply amused by everyone's tendency to shoot or stab inanimate objects for no reason. As far as cult B-movie stuff goes, it never hits the heights of something like SAMURAI COP, but the cast treats the whole thing with such wooden gravitas that it's impossible not to enjoy it a little. It is tailor-made for riffing and mockery. It's quotable and silly and provides good dumb fun all around. Honestly, joking aside, Joe Estevez is a treasure.
I give THE ZERO BOYS 0/0 jeep driving montages set to cheerful dance music.
Coming soon, I'll be watching an infamously reviled and bizarre movie that has only recently become availble because Tubi loves me. I'll be watching COCKFIGHTER. Oh yeah.
I had not heard of ZERO BOYS, nor was I aware that paintball existed in 1986.
ReplyDeleteIn the Niche Interests Writ Large genre, my favorite aspect is depictions of the fan culture scene around whatever the activity is(thinking of the arm wrestling in OVER THE TOP, bartending in COCKTAIL, bouncing in ROADHOUSE, heck the FAST AND THE FURIOUSes once did this too). I like it when the niche interest depicts not only how badass the protagonists/antagonists are, but also how the devoted spend their lives witnessing, chronicling, and disseminating the subculture's events. OVER THE TOP is perhaps again the quintessential example since the gap between the act (pushing someone's hand with your hand) and the infrastructure (star-studded "fighting" tournament with prizes, staffing, etc.) might be the widest.
Re: Paintball in '86, I'm not sure if it existed in its current form or as the more nebulous "wargames." Those were definitely a thing, and they definitely used weird customized paintballs here. But nobody was wearing protective gear and the whole affair seemed very disconnected from my understanding on what paintball is supposed to be.
ReplyDeleteRe: OVER THE TOP, That's a huge part of the draw for me. I love subcultures in general, and the idea that such a massively overblown subculture with tournaments and "stars" and life changing stakes could exist around something like arm wrestling is just the best. I love that special delusion that something so ridiculous can be SO massively important in the world of the film. I think that COCKFIGHTER is going to be a lot like a much seedier OVER-THE-TOP and I, for one, cannot wait to watch it.