TUBI TIME - Split a pack of cloves behind Sbarro's edition

I love Tubi because Tubi is the digital equivilent of plunging your hands elbow deep into a massive bin of discount DVDs at Hastings. I feel like one of those kids who won a Toys R Us shopping spree back in the 90s. Just shoveling junk I'll never play with into my cart. I used to get so excited to find dumbass vampires movies on DVD (or VHS!) for a couple of bucks. Now I have access to all the dumbass vampire movies I could ever dream of. Is the thrill sill there? I stood before a sea of dumbass vampire movies, and wept; for there were still so many more dumbass vampire movies to watch.

LORD OF THE VAMPIRES [2002] - This is the masculine counterpart to SONG OF THE VAMPIRE's feminine vamp fantasies from my previous Tubi Time entry. The differences are in the titles, right? One film wants to vibe and the other wants to rule. The woman in SONG OF THE VAMPIRE wants a strong, mysterious, and dangerous artistocrat with a dubious accent to kill her enemies and pledge his undying love. The dude in LORD OF THE VAMPIRES wants to sit upon a throne in his basement apartment and have as much sex with as many goth girls as possible. LORD OF THE VAMPIRES is not great. The titular "Lord" is one of the most unfortunately akward on-screen vampires that I have ever seen. Children trick-or-treating in plastic capes who shriek "BLAH! BLAH!" are both scarier and more committed to the role. This is shot on video, and there's a lot of hideous audio crunch that makes this movie even harder to sit through than necessary. The soundtrack is provided by Abney Park, who used to be a goth gimmick band with synths before they became a steampunk gimmick band with accordions. Watching this film gives you a small taste of what it must be like to live inside a geriatric millenial mall-goth's fantasy world. It's not a great feeling. I couldn't finish it. I am also glad that people these days have generally stopped trying to shoehorn Tarrantino-esque dialogue and hipster criminal subplots into their horror/supernatural action movies. Someday Quentin Tarrantino will answer for his many crimes.

CITY OF THE VAMPIRES [1993] - We have a dude. This dude is in pain due to the untimely death of his girlfriend due to vampire shenanigans. This dude is sick of these motherfucking vampires in his motherfucking city. He's going to handle this problem by walking around a weird urban dreamscape and shooting at people; DEADBEAT AT DAWN style. People also run and sometimes drive cars. The whole thing feels a bit like you're peeking in on another, better dimension. It's like if THE OMEGA MAN was shot by your local high school drama club. There is a charming vampire hunter who is exactly what you'd expect if Kim and Kelley Deal had another sister who was kinda into acting. It is mildly incredible that the quality of this video in 2022 so accurately recreated the "3rd generation tape covered in dust" aesthetic of 1992. It looks like shit, but there is a certain charm to the shittiness. The video quality is so rough that it's hard to see what's going on. Perhaps we are all the better for it. Honestly, I think that the whole experience of CITY OF THE VAMPIRES is served well by the grime. This movie is like an attractive an mysterious stranger at the bar; this movie isn't gonna tell you shit. CITY OF THE VAMPIRES has better things to do than explain itself to the likes of you, pal. I used to work these film fundraisers where people would host an "authentic experience" based on things like watching RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK at the time it was released. You could see somebody setting up a themed exhibition of some kind in order to recreate what it would have been like to watch CITY OF THE VAMPIRES in 1993. You'd need some Flordian first-wave death metal cassette tapes. You could serve warm Busch light at the concession stand and hand out greasy bikini calendars at the door with the program tucked inside. You could have a constume constest that involves tight stone-washed jeans and flannel shirts. Narcotics will be available. The possibilities are endless. Otherwise, I cannot in good conscience reccomend this film to you unless you're really in the mood for thinking about your life while squinting to watch a fella with a ponytail wander around in the dark while John Carpenteresque keyboards play. If that sounds like your thing, then this is the film for you! I had fun with it. I mean, I wrote way more words about CITY OF THE VAMPIRES than I did about, say, DUNE.

BLOODSUCKING REDNECK VAMPIRES [2004] - I went into this film knowing that it would probably piss me off. And it did! Having "redneck" in the title of your film is generally not a sign of quality. We are, of course, treated to the usual lazy Foxworthy-esque humor throughout this move (farts! pee! more farts! gay panic! lazy stereotypes! more farts! a tripe festival! a character named Billy Bob Barney Joe!). Compared to something like LORD OF THE VAMPIRES, this cast had clearly seen movies before and understood that they should pretend to be a character or at least make funny faces. I liked the core concept of a "sophisticated" European vampire with a terrible Count Chocula accent stuck in the hills with a bunch of dipshits, and her performance in particular stood out to me. She looked at this shitty, shitty script and decided to go for broke and own it in some small way. This young lady was like 1/10th of a Matt Berry, but she made it onto the scale and I respect her. Otherwise, most of this movie was a terrible experience. Imagine an enormous, intimidating open-mic comedian screaming a nonstop barrage of the worst, shittiest jokes you can imagine directly into your ear. I mean, one or two of them land (the ROADHOSUE callback made me smile), but going 1 for 10,000 with jokes and sight gags is not ideal. BLOODSUCKING REDNECK VAMPIRES is very, very bad and very, very not funny. You could say that, compared to something like CITY OF THE VAMPIRES, at least I could tell that jokes were being attempted in the first place. But I think I'd rather watch a movie that feels like a fever dream over a movie that feels like an assault. CITY OF THE VAMPIRES is hard to understand. BLOODSUCKING REDNECK VAMPIRES is hard to endure. Do not watch this movie. Someday Jeff Foxworthy will answer for his many crimes.

TUBI TIME - Imagination Never Fails edition

Ah, to be a hungry creator forging ridiculous pieces of low-tier trash with a gang of attractive friends rather than a mere corporate lackey with bills to pay. I'm not outright saying that I'd trade the dad life for another shot at donning plastic goggles and running around the woods in the name of art...but there's a certain appeal.

HALFWAY HOUSE (2004) - An agreeable bit of sleazy fun. The story is on the cover: Naked girls are fed to a puppet monster by an evil nun. There are also jokes. I thought that a couple of the jokes were actually funny, which was a nice surprise. It was amusing to see so many exotic dancers in their mid 30's hanging around at a facility for "troubled girls." I also know for a fact that the process for being enrolled in a halfway house is slightly more involved than simply showing up at the front door with your police detective friend and saying "Here I am. Please enroll me in your halfway house for troubled girls." What I am trying to say is that this movie about naked girls being whipped by a priest and then fed to a puppet monster is prehaps not a credible source of information about the criminal justice system. There are a whole lot of movies like this, and most of them are far worse than HALFWAY HOUSE. Don't think too hard about who built that basement monster temple and it'll be fine. It was also nice to see Mary Woronov again.

SONG OF THE VAMPIRE aka VAMPIRE RESURRECTION (2001) - A sweet, somewhat embarassing little time capsule. People forget that there was a thriving Buffy/Anne Rice fueled vampire romance/roleplay trend going years before TWILIGHT showed up and killed the scene. This movie felt very much like something a group of passionate theatre goths would make over summer break. I was a bit of a theatre goth myself in 2001, and I can smell the "vampire blood" incense in your skull-shaped burner from a mile away, neonate. There were more people like us hanging around cemeteries, shopping malls, and RP message boards in 2001 than you'd think. Of note is that this movie was directed by a woman who also stars in the lead role. That's a refreshing and interesting change of pace for this kind of thing. Rather than a total sleaze fest; this is more of a cute, quaint, kinda bloody romance tale about the usual forbidden immortal love affair. I found it entertaining in a deeply cringy and melodramatic kind of way. It made me smile and roused a powerful sense of nostalgia. This shit took me straight back to to driver's seat of my Oldsmobile with the Lost Boys sticker on the back; listening to some Tapping The Vein on my way to the Book Barn to hunt for Poppy Z Brite paperbacks. Ten bucks says that the director played a Toreador with all their points in charisma back in the day.

SUDDENLY IN DARK NIGHT aka SUDDENLY IN THE DARK (1981) - This had its moments, but was a bit slow for my tastes. The conclusion was worth the wait, but only just. It's one of those "is the protagonist crazy or is she being menaced by supernatural forces" sort of flicks. There was some great imagery and the story is fine, but it's not the sort of thing you want if you're looking for cheap thrills or schlocky laughs. Think Polanski or De Palma but with Korean family drama instead of American urban anxiety. Basically, a housewife becomes convinced that her husband is cheating on her with their younger maid. There's also some juicy subtext about sexual repression and marital expectations and an evil doll that may or may not be alive. It's being billed as a cult classic, and I can see why. There are some giallo-esque visual flourishes, but I found the constant use of the same kalediscope camera effect to be a bit annoying. Everything unfolds just about like you'd expect, especially if you've seen this kind of thing before. I liked it well enough, but it doesn't really fit into my usual diet of all-out batshit excess. Hell of a poster, though, right?

QUARTZ VEIN [2021] - This was awesome. My interest was less "this movie is compelling" and more "what will these lovable scamps try to do next?" I appreciate the balls it takes to film your post-apocalyptic adventure movie in your apartment building and a public park on the weekends. I guess if you have access to goggles, fingerless gloves, pipe and drape, discout halloween decorations, some stock footage, and some girls who don't mind running around in tiny outfits; then just about anything is possible. I am also a big fan of how our protagonist resembles the lead singer of a random pop punk band circa 2006. I guess I just like seeing a kid with fosted tips and a studded belt saying shit lke "throw in a couple of homegrown 3D fishsticks, zoomer" or "fencing is a sport for wealthy breastfed men" in a random dubbed Bale Batman growl. This world's post apocalyptic event seems to have involved radiation, a plague, vampires, and /or black magic; but it just made society into a community college house party. Characters have names like "Eon Pax," "Gargoya," and "Lippy McGee." I loved every moment of this, and I found it strangely inspirational. Shine on, QUARTZ VEIN! Bookmarking this for my next "bad" movie get together. It's a riot.

Memphis Wrestling TV (10-?-1985)

Pro Wrestling will never let you down, except for when it lets you down. Which is often. I am today reminded of that very special episode of The Fresh Prince when Will's biological father shows up and gets his hopes up with reconciliation only to crush his dreams yet again. Pro wrestling is a derelict deadbeat dad that never lives up to his potential. My inner child will never stop pleading for the healing touch of pro wrestling, and pro wrestling will never stop throwing salt in my wee little teary eyes. This is one cycle that will never, ever break.

There is a special vibe about southern-style wrasslin' tv footage from the 80's. It is a fragrant bouquet with notes of cheap whiskey, greasy road side burgers, and unairconditioned housing. It is a special little slice of long lost niche subculture, never again replicated for as long as we live. It feels like the shiny, cheap hopes of a poor man temporarily soothed by truck stop trinkets. Let us pray.

Whoever recorded this on their long-since junk shopped VCR saw fit to include the commercials. Our first ad is for a $20 mail-order unicorn statue. How many of these unicorns decorated the headboards and nightstands of sweaty rasslin' nerds of our past? We also get an ad for the broadcast premiere of Chuck Norris' classic film A FORCE OF ONE. Back in the studio, Lance Russel is talking in front of that infamous and much loved hand-painted Conan The Barbarian Style banner. I am pleased.

It seems that Jerry "The King" Lawler went to meet with some children at United Way and we got the footage to prove it. It is somehow scuzzy and uplifting at the same time. He is the King for a reason. The nearest thing to heaven is a child. You're not going to understand what Lawler is without watching these kinds of videos of him doing local celebrity things. He's what would happen if your local wacky morning DJ was also known as the toughest dude in town who fought everyone from Andy Kaufman to a fuckin' mummy. He's also most likely a man with a severe carnal weakness for teenaged girls based on all available information. What a world.

Then we get some footage from a tag match pitting Lawler and his best friend/worst enemy "Superstar" Bill Dundee against Jonathan Boyd and Rip Morgan. Of note, as always, are Lawler's punches. He is the master of fake punches. Morgan and Oliver are less good, but they are big and scary and that is literally all Lawler needs to unite Memphis against them. Dundee does a hillarious bit when he tries to tag out to the wrong man, then falls on his ass and scoots away in this weird crab walk. Lawler comes in and the crowd goes mental. Beatings ensue. Morale improves. It all ends in a massive brawl as the entire roster hits the ring. Dundee takes a flaming torch (!) to the face as Lawler fights off an entire army of bad guys.

More ads! Games magazine! My dad had a subscription. Remember magazines?

We get some footage summarizing a dastardly attack against the beloved "Bullet" Bob Armstrong by Tom Pritchard and Pat Rose. Bullet Bob is a much more wholesome local hero. He's like the neighborhood dad who everyone knows has a tough guy past but who will also happily toss another braut on the grill for every kid on the street and not make a big deal of it. So it's a big deal that Prichard and Rose tried to crack Bob's head open like an egg. We get an AMAZING bit recorded "in the hospital" by the half-dead Bob Armstrong as his virile, bepermed, and vengeful sons Scott and Steve speak for him. "HE CAIN'T TALK! HIS FACE IS ALL WIRED TOGETHER!" And then, thank the maker, we get a backyard training and hype video of Bullet Bob on the road to recovery set to Bad to the Bone. God is good. The neighborhood dad is doing chin-ups on the playground. You can't keep a good man down, even if that motherfucker Tom Prichard did break the man's face and hang him off the ring ropes. The Armstrong Boys will not abide this shit. "They broke ever' bone in his FACE!" "We're comin' up there to see you boys. You call us the RAT PATROL and the first two rats we're startin' with are YOU." All this while Bullet Bob sits there on his leather sofa barefoot with the thousand yard stare of a man who was almost murdered in the ring by a couple of douche bags. This is, as they say, the good shit.

More ads! Glen King is a TVA advisor who wants to help you save money on insulating your home. I wonder where he is today.

Back in the studio, Tom Pritchard and Pat Rose are here doing some highly irritating fake crying to impersonate those weaklings in the Armstrong family. "I can't help but feel a little sorry for ya, old man. Send those snotty nosed brats up here and we'll take care of 'em." What a couple of assholes.

Then we get those very same assholes taking on the super-mega good guy team of Bill Dundee and "King" Jerry Lawler. Holy shit. I guess that Dundee got better from that torch to the face. Dundee comes out and tries to hug every girl in the audience, which, considering what we know about him now, is problematic. It is clear from the start that Prichard and Rose are outclassed, but they never stop talking shit. Lawler throws right hands and shakes his knuckles out after every shot, and we rejoice. Rose and Pritchard cheat in every way you can imagine. The girls are chanting "go, Billy, go" and we are all troubled by the implications. One of Lawler's more underrated qualities is in his insistence on dressing in the ugliest colors imaginable throughout his entire career. The Masked Superstar shows up to start shit with Dundee, and we're going to commerical.

Charley Pride! 20 songs on one album!

We're back! The match continues! Holy shit they gave this a ton of time. Pat Rose, it must be said, looks like the type of guy who'd throw beer cans at his kids. That asswipe the Masked Superstar comes in again and starts whipping Dundee with a belt. The match breaks down into chaos. Lawler and Dundee are left laying. Justice, it seems, will not be served today.

Dundee has a response for the Masked Superstar. Who is the real superstar? Take one guess.

Commercial! Buy your insurance from The Insurance Mart "next to the Water Plant."

Main event time! Which is, I guess, highlight footage of Harley Race vs. Koko Ware from another place and time. Harley's perm is as robust and fabulous as his gut. I never met Harley, who is a Kansas City icon, but I've heard from those who have that he's an intimidating individual with a cast iron handshake. I'm sure that is true. Harley wins!

Commerical! Life is better in Jackson, Tennessee. Maybe so, but I'm not sure I want live in a place where Tom fuckin Prichard can just run up and punch Bob Armstrong's face into pieces. Also, in case you're interested, the Jackson Central High class of 76 10 year reunion is coming up. It would be best for everyone if Lawler and Dundee were kept away from all high schools just in general principle. I can respect that Lawler routinely saved Memphis from literal monsters, and I like my heroes flawed; but statutory rape is one of those character flaws that I just can't rally behind.

Anyway, Memphis wrestling is the best. My hopes are up, and I need a cigarette.

PHANTASM: RAVAGER (2016) Rewatch

Kind of fitting, in hindsight, that Angus Scrimm and the Phantasm series died alongside the video stores.

End of an era. Siri, play Landslide.

Anyway. Let's talk about PHANTASM: RAVAGER vs. TOP GUN: MAVERICK.

In TOP GUN: MAVERICK, Maverick's an eternally young daredevil hotshot jet pilot with a cool motorcycle. In Phantasm, Reggie Bannister is an ice cream man and acoustic guitar guy turned monster hunter with a cool muscle car. Both men possess major lame-dad energy. Both men are positioned as cool dudes we should admire. But there are key differences that, in my mind, make Reggie Bannister a superior hero.

Everything Maverick does is perfect. Perfect smile, perfect body, perfect moves, perfect charm. On the rare occasion that Maverick does not succeeed; he fails perfectly. Nobody can best him. One running joke throughout the TOP GUN films is that nobody can successfully tell Maverick what to do. Everytime somebody bosses him around, there will be some sort of embarassing comeuppance. Maverick is ageless in Ray Bans. He is bigger than the universe of the film he inhabits. Part of that is because he's Tom Cruise, and the idea of "Tom Cruise" carries a lot of baggage that's impossible to avoid. When we watch Top Gun, there is never a single moment when we lose track of the fact that we are watching Tom Cruise do cool shit. (In fact...it is fun to think about what it would look like if Top Gun pulled a Phantasm and Tom Cruise simply played a character named "Tom Cruise" who also happened to be a fighter pilot). Maverick conquers all.

The biggest obstacles that Maverick faces in the new TOP GUN movie are his bar tab, his relationship with his son-figure, and various authorities who have the balls to think they can control him. He has no real antagonist. His foes in the final battle are literally referred to "The Enemy." The simple truth is that, within the TOP GUN universe, nothing is greater than Maverick. Nothing can threaten him other than the consequences of his own actions. Maverick is the unquestionable center of the TOP GUN universe, and watching him navigate a universe that cannot threaten him deprives the audience of any kind of catharsis or sympathy. It's just an exercise. We are watching the labors of Hercules without that tale's tragic conclusion.

Reggie, the protagonist of PHANTASM: RAVAGER, is a hot dumpster fire in comparison. He's not perfect. He makes mistakes. He suffers. He's kind of stupid. He's not handsome. In fact, unlike Maverick, Reggie looks old. He has visibly aged over the course of the series. Like Maverick, Reggie is attempting to perform divorced-dad magic by keeping the same haircut he's had since the 80's. Maverick hasn't changed, but his universe accomodates this and his place as the unquestioned god-king of the world of TOP GUN is assured. Reggie has changed, but his sad droopy old-man pony-tail gives him an air of tragedy that adds to his story. He is often the target of mockery.

Reggie has no control over the world around him, and when he attempts to take control it inevitably goes wrong. One running joke throughout the Phantasm films is that Reggie will always pick up an attractive female hitchhiker, and something implausible and terrible will happen to him because of it. Maverick inflicts deleriously insane shit upon his universe and nobody can stop him. Deleriously insane shit is inflicted upon Reggie on a regular basis, yet he persists. He has traveled through time. He has been pulled into other dimensions and planets. He has battled weird pseudo-Jawas and flying death spheres. He's been cut adrift in time and space. He even battles with the idea of himself as a metatextual film concept (unlike the weaker Tom Cruise, who wallows in it) Reggie is an average everyman locked into a struggle beyond his comprehension. But, Reggie's antagonist has a name and a history. The Tall Man is an iconic and well-respected B-movie monster. Throughout the course of the films, it becomes clear that Reggie and the The Tall Man are locked in an eternal mortal struggle that neither can truly win. Their conflict is Sisyphean. Both PHANTASM: RAVAGER and TOP GUN: MAVERICK deal with heavy themes about men growing old. Reggie is not ageless. His struggle is ageless. Maverick defies his mortality. Reggie Bannisters wrestles with it. For me, it is a far more satisfying experience to watch Reggie try than it is to watch Maverick win. I say that this makes Reggie Bannister the more interesting, well-rounded, and well-written character.

Having said all that, I do wish that PHANTASM: RAVAGER had more scenes where Reggie and The Tall Man talk openly about their relationship. Consider the following exchange:

REGGIE: Go to hell!

THE TALL MAN: Yours or mine? In fact, one might say that we're already in it. Together.

In my favorite scene, in the Old West hospital, Reggie and The Tall Man have a brief conversation about death and aging that is filled with well-earned pathos. The fact that this was Angus Scrimm's final film as his most famous character before his death adds a heavy meta-sadness to the proceedings:

Oh, I've lost so many friends.

And I'm afraid this body of mine is almost finished.

You know, Reggie. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings,

But I believe they bring us here...to die.

(In Tall Man Voice) You'll never be safe.

I rest my case. Phantasm is clearly the superior series.

Plus, Reggie Bannister writes and performs his own music on the soundtrack.

Tom Cruise could never.

All Japan TV (Nov 18, 1990)

I both hate and love professional wrestling; as I both hate and love myself. Yet there is comfort to be found in the warm embrace of some classic Japanese wrestling TV. The vibes are unbeatable. The matches are usually fantastic. It is a balm to my battered soul in these troubled times. You know how sometimes when you're worn down and weary from life's tribulations, and you hear a song from back in the good old times, and you remember that life is just a journey and it's OK to face setbacks and when you were but a small child you could find solace in the smell of your toybox or the scratchy-soft touch of your favorite stuffed animal? I feel that way when Andre the Giant waves his arms and goes "BAH!"

This show takes place during the 1990 Real World Tag League, and that is fucking excellent. The idea is that the greatest tag teams from all over the world are coming to Japan to compete for fortune and glory. (Most of these teams are from either Japan or Texas, but we can charitably ignore that) I LOVE the old school RWTL with all my heart, primarily because the matches are often good and the whole thing feels like a pseudo-realistic extension of a mysterious fighting tournament movie like Bloodsport or The Quest. We start with the always appreciated and wonderful team introductions. I love that the RWTL theme sounds a little like a lost Kraftwerk song. Look at these teams! The stoic natives in their sick windbreakers! The bemulleted American bruisers! (Are those mullets fluffy, you ask? Fluffy as fuck, my dear friend) The FUNK BROTHERS are here! ANDRE is here! So is Stan Hansen! And ABDULLAH THE FUCKIN BUTCHER. Oh man, this is going to be a journey.

GIANT BABA and ANDRE THE GIANT vs. JOEL DEATON and DICK SLATER - You really cannot beat the experience of watching Giant Baba and Andre The Giant walking down to the ring together. They look like something from another world. It's like watching two kaiju monsters just casually strolling down the street in cool robes. It's amazing. Baba is the all time "weird looking body" champion of this earth. This is 1990, and it is late in Andre's career, and he's just massive. Sometimes you get the sense that he could pull a building apart with his hands, and other times you worry that he's going to fall down and break his hip. Deaton and Slater, on the other hand, are dorks. They can wrestle, I guess. Slater's usually good. I also appreciate the use of the bullwhip. But these fuckers are standing here looking like 3rd rate Branson-style country singers getting ready to do battle with gods on earth. The look of bemused disgust on Andre's face says it all. This match is all schtick, but I love me some rasslin' schtick. Deaton and Slater do a nice job of trying to solve the riddle of Andre by refusing to engage with him at all and concentrating on smacking Baba's weird martian chest. I liked the way that Deaton and Slater worked around Andre's obvious limitations and bounced around for him. Always love Baba's silly overhead chop to the forehead. Watching these late-career Andre matches are a fun exercise as you marvel at how good he was at keeping the audience engaged despite the fact that he could barely walk at this point. This is goofy fun, it's short, and Andre wins by smooshing Deaton.

BUTCH MASTERS AND SKYWALKER NITRON vs JOHNNY ACE AND ??? (highlights) - What the fuck. You need to know that Skywalker Nitron is not very good at professional wrestling, and this fact is at odds with his name and we all have to live with that disappointment. I am not 100% sure on who Butch Masters is. Johnny Ace is also here, and his mullet is magificent. But he is still Johnny Ace, and we must temper our expectations accordingly. I'm not sure who Ace's partner is here, and it does not matter. This is just a collection of highlights as opposed to the full match, and we can all be grateful for that. The way that the crowd enthusiastically boos every time Skywalker Nitron attempts to do anything is very funny to watch. I just realized that there must be a Skywalker Nitron and Butch Masters vs. Andre and Baba match from this tournament and that is terrifying.

TOSHIAKI KAWADA and KENTA KOBASHI vs MITSUHARU MISAWA AND TYOSHI KIKUCHI (highlights) - We've got three guys here who are mortal locks for every reasonable fan's top 10 wrestlers of all time, and Kikuchi has to be somewhere in the top 50 or so. Highlights only, but these boys are they are who they are and what we get is beautiful in comparison to the stylings of Skywalker Nitron. Kind of interesting to see Kawada teaming with Kobashi instead of trying to crush his knee. That feels wrong.

DYNAMITE KID and JOHNNY SMITH vs DR DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS AND TERRY GORDY (highlights) - I dig the team of Doc and Gordy. Gordy could really fuckin' move for a huge fella. Dynamite and Smith are our British representatives in the tournament, and that situation could be both better and worse. This was extremely short, and prety much all we get is Doc hitting the Oklahoma Stampede on Smith for the win.

TERRY FUNK and DORY FUNK Jr vs. STAN HANSEN and DAN SPIVEY - An all-Texan matchup! Japanese fans love their Texans. This matchup has two of my favorite wrestlers of all time. It also has Dory Funk Jr and Dan Spivey. Although, to be fair to Spivey, he fills the role of "tall lummox with a rat tail" better than Skywalker Nitron. Terry Funk keeps getting tossed out of the ring in entertaining ways, and that is exactly what you want from this match. The jokes about Dory have all been told, but it really is disconcerting to see him standing around looking like a grandfather confused and violent in blue underpants. This match is taking place square in the middle of Terry's mustache phase, and Hansen is trying very hard to remove it with his fist. There are few in wrestling better at taking an ass kicking than Terry Funk, and there are few better at delivering an ass kicking than Stan Hansen. Although, watching Hansen sell for Dory is weird. But it kinda works, I guess. Hansen pins Dory after the most careful Lariat you've ever seen. Hansen's Lariat is usually one of the most violent strikes in wrestling. This one looks like he was gently lowering Dory into bed after a warm cup of milk. Poor fella was all tuckered out after a big day.

ABDULLAH THE BUTCHER and KIMALA II vs AKIRA TAUE and JUMBO TSURUTA - Abdullah and Kimala are here filling in the role of "evil monster team" in our world warrior tournament, and you could do worse. They are very fat and foriegn and scary looking. Kimala/Kamala and Abdullah both deserve bigger write ups at some point in the future, because they are very much one of those "only in pro wrestling" things. Both were fantastic at portraying bizarre "savage" characters. This is not their best moment. They are here to be vanquished by Jumbo, and vanquished they are. Jumbo looked really good though. I liked his stare down with Abdullah, and I like watching Abby sell Jumbo's strikes in strange and implausible ways. Also fun to watch Kimala II be pushed to the earth and pinned by the power of Jumbo's flying balls. This was not good. Not at all.

Not the best series of RWTL matches, to be honest. Blech. I cannot decide if I am really excited to see the potential Kimala/Abdullah, Skywalker Nitron/Butch Masters, and Andre/Baba combinations. This is some dire shit.

AEW Dark Ep 148

I don't have anyone to talk to about my wrasslin. This is the worst, most shameful fandom to belong to. Somebody else once said "I am a pro wrestling fan, and I fucking hate it."

Fuck it. Here's a show that I watched.

QT MARSHALL vs. ALAN ANGELS - QT is still doing the cowardly, yet dangerous wrestling sensei thing. It helps that he looks the part, and he's a good stooge. He's also pretty big compared to a lot of guys on this roster, so it's fun to watch him be a bully/coward. I still don't know what Alan Angels is supposed to be. For me, the highlight of this match was Dark Order 10 coming down to ringside in his street shorts, sneakers, and his mask. He looked like The Gimp at a summer cookout. QT wins.

BOBBY FISH vs BROCK ANDERSON - If you take a step back here, this kind of looks like a steampunk enthusiast picking a fight with a nice Bud Light guy at the sports bar. However, in this case, the steampunk enthusiast is also a sadistic martial arts expert. I am trying very hard to make this sound more interesting than it actually was. I kinda like Bobby Fish's whole persona of a guy way on the wrong side of 30 to be quite this into MMA. They went too long on this match. Brock Anderson is fine, and wrestling needs more guys who look a bit like subcontractors, but he doesn't need to be this competitive with a guy at Fish's level. Fish wins, finally. Then Darby Allin runs in with his skateboard to yell at Bobby Fish. I guess they are fighting now. It will never get old to me to watch little kids freak out when they see their favorite wrestlers. Darby gives his skateboard to a little boy at ringside and memories are made. WHOLESOME.

JERICHO APPRECIATION SOCIETY (DANIEL GARCIA, "DADDY MAGIC" MATT MENARD, and "COOL HAND" ANGELO PARKER) vs. JACK BANNING, SINN BODHI, and RAY ROSAS - I absolutely adore the coked out, bad-guy in a 90s action movie charisma of Garcia and his partners. And "Daddy Magic" is an absolutely incredible nickname. These fuckin guys come out acting like they're about to beat the whole shit out of the cast of Revenge of The Nerds. Their opposing trios team is an...odd mix of characters. But they bumped well and made the bad guys look like killers, which was of course, the point. Garcia is fucking great, and I love him as the pint-sized bully in a silly hat. Love the dismissive looks and the stomps in the corner. JAS has some really solid antics, and I love antics in my rasslin. Our boys get on the microphone after their victory, and the entire show up to this point is justified by the line "HEY! DADDY MAGIC'S GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!"

ANNA JAY, RUBY SOHO, and KRIS STATLANDER vs NYLA ROSE, DIAMANTE, and EMI SAKURA - For the unfamiliar, we have a lady hero team consisting of a reformed cultist, a punk-rock roller derby girl circa 2002 or so, and a badass power lifter who until very recently thought she may be a space alien. They are taking on a lady villain team consisting of a sadistic monster twice the size of the rest of the women's roster, a cartel-affiliated assassin, and a delusional evil queen. This is the tip of the iceberg of reasons why this fandom is both amazing and horrible. I actually enjoy all six of these women, and it seems like they run different varations of these trios matches every week. So they're getting really good at this. I suspect that this long series of womens trios matches was intended as a way to get five other women regular ring experience with Emi Sakura, who was brought it to be one of their trainers. Whatever the case may be, this is all good fun. All the different gimmicks make the match visually interesting and colorful, and everything moves at a nice quick pace. Statlander has really turned a corner since she dropped the stoned alien gimmick, and her interactions with Emi are the highlight of this. I'm more of a Nyla fan than most, and watching her toss these women around like stuffed animals is fun. Diamante has actually improved a ton since she started, and I think she may be one of the main beneficiaries of this run of trios matches. Ruby Soho has a lot of energy, but she doesn't do much for me. I get the appeal and charisma you get sometimes from hyper-active Hot Topic people (check my dating history), but she often feels out of place or a step behind where she should be. And, hey, if they're doing scenester gimmicks when do we get a pro wrestling version of somebody like Kate Bush or Kim Gordon? What would that even look like? Overall, it's really hard to fuck up a fast-paced showcase trios match, and this entertained me. Statlander pins Diamante to end it, and all is as it should be.

NICK RUIZ vs ANTHONY OGOGO - I find Ogogo's British Snob schitck amusing in this year of our lord 2022. I like that he's leaning into basically being Dudley from Street Fighter. Some cultural archetypes will never go away. "That guy drinks tea! Fuck that guy!" I find Ogogo's boxer-turned-wrestler persona a lot less amusing. There's an inherent problem to bringing a real-life Olympic boxer into a pro-wrestling ring. Why doesn't he just punch everyone immediately and win every match? I mean, back in the day punches were "illegal" in pro wrestling, which preserved a lot of logic around the fake fights. Now, punches and brawling are commonplace. Nothing in storyline is stopping him from beating everyone. So it kind of sucks to watch a guy do some middling slams and throws when he could probably murder every person on the roster with his bare hands. I would prefer some sort of gimmick where Ogogo is singled out and forced not to use punches at all, but then he cheats and sneakily punches his opponents anyway. Like, maybe he makes a big deal out how he can outwrestle people and not just box them, but then he starts throwing body blows like an asshole when the ref isn't looking and pretends like he's this great wrestler. That would be good. Ogogo sincerely doing takedowns and working holds is less good. You don't bring in a guy famous for doing a thing, talk a lot about the thing he can do, and then never let him do the thing. Good on him for working hard and trying to learn, and he's getting good but I don't think handling the punching problem this way is helping him get over. Luckily, this is just a showcase squash for Ogogo as usual, and it's over in about two minutes.

KONOSUKE TAKESHITA vs NICK COMORATO - I love Comorato. I don't think I've ever heard anybody mention that he looks like a young, angry version of Van Damme's hairy redneck buddy from Bloodsport. That's an underrated look. Wrestling caveman barbarian is a thing that needs to make a comeback. I really like Takeshita as well, and obviously he's really good. So this had the potential to be sneakily awesome. and it was! I actually think these guys match up really well. Comorato is a good brute, and Takeshita is gifted at playing the fiery underdog gettin brutalized. I like Comorato better in this, actually. He's really grown into his character, and his facial expresions and shit talk are solid. I'd really like to see this ran back with more time and real stakes, but I liked what I saw. The live crowd was way into this, and they actually worked a compelling little matchup here. Takeshita wins with a surprise jumping knee strike, and that's a good way for a David to take out a Goliath. This was good, good shit.

MATT SYDAL vs TAYLOR RUST - Sydal is obviously really good in the ring. I'm not the target audience for his whole "neon yoga instructor" thing, and I find it hard to get invested in his matches. However, I got into this thanks to the efforts of Taylor Rust. He must be somebody respected, because Sydal gave him a lot for this kind of match, and he did some neat athletic things. I also appreciated his committment to wearing rust-colored gear. Not much to this to speak of, and Sydal wins in a hurry. But Rust was a big surprise. I'd like to see him again in a different situation.

ETHAN PAGE vs. FRANKIE KAZARIAN - I really like Ethan Page when he's beating up Darby Allin. I have little use for Frankie Kazarian. So I didn't expect much from this. These guys are vets and could probably put together any number of nice little matches in their sleep. Everything is crisp and smooth, but there's just not much for me to glom onto with these guys. I did like Kazarian's flying ringpost bump, and Page's smarmy shit-head faces are always good. My main issue with Kazarian is that he carries himself like this badass metalcore biker dad character, but when he wrestles he likes to fly around and do clever rollups and reverals instead of just beating a dude with brass knuckles or something. I have similar problems with Page, in that he has this great ego-manical shithead character, but then he does a lot of really impressive beefy-boy offense instead of wrestling like a cheating prick. There's a lot of dissonance with these characters, and that makes it hard to really invest in them. Page wins thanks to interference from his manager, and of COURSE Scorpio Sky comes down to continue his issue with Kazarian, which leads to old man Christopher Daniels running down with a chair to even the odds and continue the SCU breakup/reunion angle that refuses to end. Honestly, I did sincerely LOL when Page checked down his tights to reassure himself that he did, in fact, have the balls to accept a challenge.

Highway to the Safety Zone

TOP GUN: MAVERICK (2022)

So, the in-laws were in town. My wife's family has history with this movie, the Air Force, and The Navy. She's been bouncing off the walls with excitement since she caught the trailer over a year ago. We caught it in the theatre, which is a rare indulgence for us these days. She loved it. I have mixed feelings, but I enjoyed it a bit more than I thought I would.

Tom Cruise's perpetually grinning wholesome badboy Maverick is one of those characters that resonates really strongly with a lot of people, and I think the original Top Gun is one of those generational touch stone films. I'm not 100% sure why that is, but I'm going to hazard a guess. Maverick is a very American character. He's rebellious in ways that are safe and recognizable. Maverick's ideas about making trouble are Divorced Dad ideas. Like, sometimes he drinks too much beer at the sports bar. Sometimes he disobeys his boss. He rides a motorcycle and hooks up with single moms. He's easy to figure out. His super human jet plane powers are secondary to his image as the not-too-bad boy. He's not far removed from your typical Scott/Ken/Bill living across the street spending alimony money on his first tattoo.

Maverick is what most midswesterners of A Certain Age see when they think about what it means to be an American man.

Hey, that's fine. It's charming even. I have to admit that the image of good 'ol Tom Cruise zipping along on his bike grinning like a lunatic under his Ray-Bans is iconic as shit. There's some comfort in it. The whole movie is a call back to a simpler time. It's not complicated. It screams out "We are Americans, and we are not interested in following orders. We will defeat 'The Enemy' and resolve our daddy issues by learning how to be sensitive (but not too sensitive) and then go back to the beach bar for Margs and Bud Light." There's a meat headed, goofy appeal to that. Fuck art, let's dance (to an easily cross-marketable song).

On the whole, Maverick is a cheesy, predictable, amusing time capsule. There's nothing new to see here. It's more of an exercise than anything else. But it's an exercise that makes people happy. The people in the theatre absolutely loved it. Honestly, you kind of have to hate fun to hate that kind of experience. Jet engines go vroom; stuff explodes; everyone claps. Everyone feels nice at the end. It's simple, but simple ain't all that bad.

Having said that: Tom Cruse is still kinda creepy, and even his most beloved role won't make you forget it. The flying scenes were really cool and fun. It gets into ridiculous, almost HARD TICKET TO HAWAII zones of implausibility by the end. It's exactly what it says on the tin, but in the end, it's always nice to see people having fun.

Ducks, raccoons, and giant sandworms.

HOWARD THE DUCK (1985) - I remember watching this movie on VHS with family as a young lad and feeling both confusted and irritated. Who was this fucking movie made for? Kids won't get half the references and there's not enough fun stuff happening to hold their interest. Anyone over the age of about 8 is going to feel like their intelligence is being insulted. I actively tried to find things to like about this movie, and it's tough! Even with some fun, goofy SFX, garish sets, and Tim Robbins babbling and emoting like he's living on a strict diet of pixie stix and adderol; it's just not enough. There's something off-putting about it (aside from the obvious). It's too stupid for adults and too horny/smarmy to be for kids. It reminded me a bit of an extended cereal commerical where everyone is talking in an overly loud and cheerful voice but nobody's saying anything important. I guess you could take that and run with it from a subversive surreal nightmare angle and convince yourself it's pretty good, but that feels like stretch. I really wanted this movie to entertain me. It did not.

RESIDENT EVIL: WELCOME TO RACCOON CITY (2021) - I always enjoyed the Resident Evil video games, if for no other reasons than for the over-the-top escalation of the lore and the hillariously baroque and complex puzzle sequences. I love that the Resident Evil games are supposed to be this gritty "survival horror" experience, but it is common for places like Police Stations to have quadruple-locked steel doors with the only keys disguised as the four Aces of a desk of cards and these keys are hidden inside potted plants and chandeliers and guarded by four mutant zoo animals based on signs of the zodiac. I am only slightly exagerating. For the most part, the games never felt like they should be taken too seriously, but a lot of people were upset with the previous series of Resident Evil films starring Mila Jovanovich because those films were rather unserious. Certain beardy parts of the fanbase seemed to assume that outsiders would look at a video game series featuring mutant zombies armed with rocket launchers battling elite super soldiers in a place called "Raccoon City" and think to themselves "This requires a measured approach. We must treat this material with the gravitas it deserves." Well, they did. That's how we got a bunch of aggressively stupid action movies about mutant clones in leather jackets doing motorcycle acrobatics while the internet raged and seethed.

This is supposed to be a more serious, horror-driven reboot of the series. And it is! And it's OK! There are some nice scares and well-executed scenes of carnage. There are lots of little shout outs to the fans, and I'm sure that I missed a ton of little easter eggs. The sets are cool. There are neat parts and none of the performances are embarrassing or anything. It's fine! Everything about it just feels kind of late. I mean, it probably would have been nice to get the Masters of the Universe movie remade in, like, 2001. But by then the fan base moved on and nobody had any shits left to give about He-Man. That's what this felt like to me. It's a perfectly fine Resident Evil / zombie survival movie that came along about 15 years too late to cash in on Resident Evil or zombies.

DUNE (2021) - Well, shit. This is about as good a Dune movie as you're going to get. I had a genuninely great time with it. My only real complaint is that it made me feel old. I mean, most things these days make me feel old, but Timothee Chalamet's perfect cheekbones piss me off in a vague way. Intead of relating to his version of Paul, I related a lot more strongly with pool old Duke Leto. Everything kept going to shit for him, and all he wanted to do was take care of his family, do good things, and potentially take a nap. I bet his back hurts when he coughs, too.