I both hate and love professional wrestling; as I both hate and love myself. Yet there is comfort to be found in the warm embrace of some classic Japanese wrestling TV. The vibes are unbeatable. The matches are usually fantastic. It is a balm to my battered soul in these troubled times. You know how sometimes when you're worn down and weary from life's tribulations, and you hear a song from back in the good old times, and you remember that life is just a journey and it's OK to face setbacks and when you were but a small child you could find solace in the smell of your toybox or the scratchy-soft touch of your favorite stuffed animal? I feel that way when Andre the Giant waves his arms and goes "BAH!"
This show takes place during the 1990 Real World Tag League, and that is fucking excellent. The idea is that the greatest tag teams from all over the world are coming to Japan to compete for fortune and glory. (Most of these teams are from either Japan or Texas, but we can charitably ignore that) I LOVE the old school RWTL with all my heart, primarily because the matches are often good and the whole thing feels like a pseudo-realistic extension of a mysterious fighting tournament movie like Bloodsport or The Quest. We start with the always appreciated and wonderful team introductions. I love that the RWTL theme sounds a little like a lost Kraftwerk song. Look at these teams! The stoic natives in their sick windbreakers! The bemulleted American bruisers! (Are those mullets fluffy, you ask? Fluffy as fuck, my dear friend) The FUNK BROTHERS are here! ANDRE is here! So is Stan Hansen! And ABDULLAH THE FUCKIN BUTCHER. Oh man, this is going to be a journey.
GIANT BABA and ANDRE THE GIANT vs. JOEL DEATON and DICK SLATER - You really cannot beat the experience of watching Giant Baba and Andre The Giant walking down to the ring together. They look like something from another world. It's like watching two kaiju monsters just casually strolling down the street in cool robes. It's amazing. Baba is the all time "weird looking body" champion of this earth. This is 1990, and it is late in Andre's career, and he's just massive. Sometimes you get the sense that he could pull a building apart with his hands, and other times you worry that he's going to fall down and break his hip. Deaton and Slater, on the other hand, are dorks. They can wrestle, I guess. Slater's usually good. I also appreciate the use of the bullwhip. But these fuckers are standing here looking like 3rd rate Branson-style country singers getting ready to do battle with gods on earth. The look of bemused disgust on Andre's face says it all. This match is all schtick, but I love me some rasslin' schtick. Deaton and Slater do a nice job of trying to solve the riddle of Andre by refusing to engage with him at all and concentrating on smacking Baba's weird martian chest. I liked the way that Deaton and Slater worked around Andre's obvious limitations and bounced around for him. Always love Baba's silly overhead chop to the forehead. Watching these late-career Andre matches are a fun exercise as you marvel at how good he was at keeping the audience engaged despite the fact that he could barely walk at this point. This is goofy fun, it's short, and Andre wins by smooshing Deaton.
BUTCH MASTERS AND SKYWALKER NITRON vs JOHNNY ACE AND ??? (highlights) - What the fuck. You need to know that Skywalker Nitron is not very good at professional wrestling, and this fact is at odds with his name and we all have to live with that disappointment. I am not 100% sure on who Butch Masters is. Johnny Ace is also here, and his mullet is magificent. But he is still Johnny Ace, and we must temper our expectations accordingly. I'm not sure who Ace's partner is here, and it does not matter. This is just a collection of highlights as opposed to the full match, and we can all be grateful for that. The way that the crowd enthusiastically boos every time Skywalker Nitron attempts to do anything is very funny to watch. I just realized that there must be a Skywalker Nitron and Butch Masters vs. Andre and Baba match from this tournament and that is terrifying.
TOSHIAKI KAWADA and KENTA KOBASHI vs MITSUHARU MISAWA AND TYOSHI KIKUCHI (highlights) - We've got three guys here who are mortal locks for every reasonable fan's top 10 wrestlers of all time, and Kikuchi has to be somewhere in the top 50 or so. Highlights only, but these boys are they are who they are and what we get is beautiful in comparison to the stylings of Skywalker Nitron. Kind of interesting to see Kawada teaming with Kobashi instead of trying to crush his knee. That feels wrong.
DYNAMITE KID and JOHNNY SMITH vs DR DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS AND TERRY GORDY (highlights) - I dig the team of Doc and Gordy. Gordy could really fuckin' move for a huge fella. Dynamite and Smith are our British representatives in the tournament, and that situation could be both better and worse. This was extremely short, and prety much all we get is Doc hitting the Oklahoma Stampede on Smith for the win.
TERRY FUNK and DORY FUNK Jr vs. STAN HANSEN and DAN SPIVEY - An all-Texan matchup! Japanese fans love their Texans. This matchup has two of my favorite wrestlers of all time. It also has Dory Funk Jr and Dan Spivey. Although, to be fair to Spivey, he fills the role of "tall lummox with a rat tail" better than Skywalker Nitron. Terry Funk keeps getting tossed out of the ring in entertaining ways, and that is exactly what you want from this match. The jokes about Dory have all been told, but it really is disconcerting to see him standing around looking like a grandfather confused and violent in blue underpants. This match is taking place square in the middle of Terry's mustache phase, and Hansen is trying very hard to remove it with his fist. There are few in wrestling better at taking an ass kicking than Terry Funk, and there are few better at delivering an ass kicking than Stan Hansen. Although, watching Hansen sell for Dory is weird. But it kinda works, I guess. Hansen pins Dory after the most careful Lariat you've ever seen. Hansen's Lariat is usually one of the most violent strikes in wrestling. This one looks like he was gently lowering Dory into bed after a warm cup of milk. Poor fella was all tuckered out after a big day.
ABDULLAH THE BUTCHER and KIMALA II vs AKIRA TAUE and JUMBO TSURUTA - Abdullah and Kimala are here filling in the role of "evil monster team" in our world warrior tournament, and you could do worse. They are very fat and foriegn and scary looking. Kimala/Kamala and Abdullah both deserve bigger write ups at some point in the future, because they are very much one of those "only in pro wrestling" things. Both were fantastic at portraying bizarre "savage" characters. This is not their best moment. They are here to be vanquished by Jumbo, and vanquished they are. Jumbo looked really good though. I liked his stare down with Abdullah, and I like watching Abby sell Jumbo's strikes in strange and implausible ways. Also fun to watch Kimala II be pushed to the earth and pinned by the power of Jumbo's flying balls. This was not good. Not at all.
Not the best series of RWTL matches, to be honest. Blech. I cannot decide if I am really excited to see the potential Kimala/Abdullah, Skywalker Nitron/Butch Masters, and Andre/Baba combinations. This is some dire shit.
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